I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
