My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
