Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
