Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
