a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
