Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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