Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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