Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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