She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
