Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
