I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
