He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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