Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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