Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
