i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
