I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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