hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
