I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
