1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
