I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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