dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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