On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
