you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
