I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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