Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
