I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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