No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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