Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
