She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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