Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
