he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
