I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
