I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
