just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He? As in you personified your dick?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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