I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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