Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
