Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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