Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
