glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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