phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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