Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
