i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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