There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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