I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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