I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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