Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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