somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
