But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
