Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
