just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
